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M4757 

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!ernational Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
I States) Edition of tlie Works of the Best Authors 



No. 261. 



THE ELOPERS 



B jfarccsGomeDB In One Bet 



BY 



PAUL MERION 



Copyright, 1913, by Samuel French 



NOTiC£."The Professional acting rights of this play are re- 
served by the publisher, and permission for such perform- 
ances must be obtained before performances are given. This 
notice does not apply to antateurs, ^vho may perform the play 
'without permission. All unauthorized professional pro- 
ductions -vvill be prosecuted to the full extent of the la^v. 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th Street 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



THE ELOPERS 



a 3farcc»ComcD^ in One Bet 



BY 



PAUL MERION 



Copyright, 1913, by Samuel French 



NOTICE. "The Professional acting rights* of this play are re- 
served by the publisher, and permission for snch perform- 
ances must be obtained before performances are given. 'This 
notice does not apply to amateurs, >vl»o may perform the play 
without permission. All unauthorized professional pro> 
ductions >vill be prosecuted to the iiiYl extent of the law. 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th Street 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



THE ELOPERS. ,^.>f\ 

CHAEACTEES. <^ ^ '^ 






<ljK 



Phyllis Gerard a young woman 

EoY CoxKLix a young man 

Mrs. Gerard = . . . Step-mother to Phyllis 

Sc'ENE :^Ho?ne of Mrs. Gerard. 

Place. — A^eiu Yorl\ Tui'E.—The present. 

I^ote: — Extra character — a policeman — {property 
man part.) 

Sitting-room in house of Mrs. Gerard. Up-stairs 
window R. in flat. Door l. Closet door with portiere 
R. Table l. c, with chair to l. of it. Broken chair 
(sagging seat) r. near closet. Telephone on table. 
Sofa E. Up stage to l. of window a trunk and a box 
or two. 

Lights : — Full up. Outdoor hacHng. 

to fire-escape 



g Railing 
Window 

[ j Broken Chiair Boxes and Trunks 



^ Portiere . Door into hall 

•'^, over closet dbor 



[] Chair 



Sofa 

with Cushions 




Q)C!.D 34796 



THE ELOPERS. 



{Enter Phyllis l., excitedly. She lugs a huge dress- 
suit case. Wears satin trained gotvn with long 
street coat over it, and a street hat with hanging 
veil. The hat is on very much asTceiv as if donned 
in a hurry.) 

Mrs. Gehard. {heard outside, her tones severe) 
Phyllis ! Phyllis ! 

Phyllis. She's after me! {lool\s ahout dis- 
tractedly, then runs and hides behind portiere E.) 

Mrs. Gerard. Phyllis, I say! 

Phyllis. {peeps from behind portiere appre- 
hensively) Oh, please don't find me. Oh, Pll just 
drop dead if yon do ! Heavens ! {puts hand to nose) 
Fm afraid Pm going to sneeze! {lets portiere con- 
ceal her again) 

Mrs. Gerard. {appears in door) Phyllis ! 
{turns and calls off l.) Maria, have yon seen my 
step-daughter, Phyllis? She's gone from her room, 
and has taken her clothes. Pun quick to the door, 
Maria, and look up and do^'n f^e street. Pll search 
the house, {enters room, calling) Phyllis! Ph3dlis ! 
Where are you? {stares toivard sofa) I see you — 
you cruel, ungrateful girl ! You needn't think you 
can hide from me! {loolcs behind lace curtain of 
window) I've got my eyes on the very place where 
where you are! {stares up at ceiling) I see you! 
(Phyllis gives loud ^neeze. Mrs. Gerard speaks 

3 



4 THE ELOPEES. 

triumphantly) I HEAE you! (runs and drags 
Phyllis from behind curtain) iSTow, what have you 
got to say for yourself, {gives Phyllis a shake and 
Phy'llis drops suit-case to floor) 

Phy'llis. Xothing. Fm out of breath, (speaks 
almost iearfully) Confound my nose! If it had 
only known enough to be seen and not heard — this 
never would have happened ! 

Mrs. Gerard, {severely) And where were you 
going wi:h that suit-case? 

Phyllis. Xowliere in particular. 

(Mrs. Gerard shalces her.) 

Mrs. Gerard. Nowhere? 

Phyxlis. Yes, the grocery-store. 

Mrs. Gerard. The grocery-store? In your wed- 
ding dress? 

Phy'llis. {frightened and incoherrent) Yes, to 
return some salt that wasn't sweet enough. I — I 
mean some coffee that wasn't tea enough. Anyhow — 
to return some groceries. You know you've always 
wanted me to take an interest in the marketing. 

Mrs. Gerard, {sarcastically and unbelievingly) 
Open that bag and let me SEE the groceries you're 
taking back. (Phy'llis kneels and opens hag) 
What's that thing on top? 

Phyllis, {as if surprised herself) Why, it looks 
like a night-gown, doesn't it? 

Mrs. Gerard, {takes it up and displays it) And 
wliat does the grocer want of that? 

Phy'LLIs. {stammeringly) I — I didn't mean to 
return that. The proprietor is so fat he couldn^t 
wear it anyway. 

Mrs. Gerard. And why did jou take it? 

Phyllis. I only thought it might be handy in 
case the clerks were slow al)out waiting on me, and 
I was detained there over night. 

Mrs. Gerard, {taking other articles from suit- 



THE ELOPERS. 5 

case) Another night-gown! Three cakes of toilet- 
soap, two evening dresses, a tooth-brush, and a por- 
ous plaster, {sarcastically) When did I order those 
of the grocer? Let me see. 

Phyllis. Why, dear me, I must have got hold of 
the wrong bundle ! 

Mrs. Gerard. Ungrateful girl! You can't fool 
me! You were about to elope? W^eren't you? (she 
shale es Phyllis again) 

Phyllis, (much fnghtened) Y-Y-e-es, I was. 

Mrs. Gerard. Who was the man ? 

Phyllis. What man? 

Mrs. Gerard. The man you were about to elope 
with, of course. 

Phyllis. But he wasn't coarse — in fact he wasn't 
at all. I'm eloping all by myself. I don't want any 
man. After that cross-eyed, pink-eared old ourang- 
atang you picked out for me to marry — I'm going to 
elope by myself. 

Mrs. Gerard. The man I have selected for your 
future husband is of very distinguished appearance. 

Phyllis. He might be, if it wasn't for his feet 
and his face. 

Mrs. Gerard. And the ceremony takes place this 
evening, as I had planned. Thank heaven, I caught 
you in time ! Now, will you promise to give up your 
mad idea of flight, and come down and meet your 
future husband on his arrival, as a dutiful girl 
should ? 

Phyllis, (breaks away from Mrs. Gerard and 
goes lehind sofa) iSTo, I don't promise -anything of 
the kind. You've brow-beat me all my life ; 'til now, 
step-ma Gerard, I haven't had the back-bone of a jelly 
fish. But even a jelly fish can rebel once in a while, 
and when it comes to marrying a man fifty years 
older than myself, and snaggle toothed besides, the 
jelly fish will wiggle a defiance! I refuse to marry 
him. 



6 THE ELOPERS. 

Mrs. Geeard. No? Then the jelly fish can wig- 
gle in this top-story room until she has changed her 
mind. A starvation diet of bread and water some- 
times has an excellent effect, I've heard, {goes to 
door L.) I'll lock you in. 

Phyllis, {springs after Mrs. Gerard, hut door 
is closed in her face) Don't you dare! {sound of 
hey turning in loch) She dared. I knew she would. 
Here I ara shut up in a third story room, and all the 
servants bribed to be on her side, and no way out 
but the fire-escape, and I can't go down on that be- 
cause I get dizzy, and step-ma knows I get dizzy. 
{dramatically) Oh, there's only one hope on earth 
left for me — only one, only one! {he gins searching 
in suit-case among the articles ivhicli her step-mother 
had replaced) Oh, she can't be cruel enough to have 
taken that away from me. She can't ! Oh, thank 
my stars, here it is ! {takes up pachage of cheiving- 
gum) Oh, if Juliet had only known about chewing- 
gum, she could have faced death so much easier ! 
{takes paper from gum and h eg Ins to chew) She's 
made me desperate — driven me to it, and as soon as 
the peppermint flavor gets out of this gum, I'll shut 
my eyes and make one flying leap across the room, 
and dive off the fire-escape ! And if it kills me, 
they'll hang her for murder, and it will serve the old 
cross-patch right, {chews rapidly) The peppermint 
flavor is about gone ! {chews as if trying to get all 
the taste out of gum possible to extract) I shall al- 
ways remember that my last flavor was peppermint. 
Me for the flying leap!, {goes down stage,, clenches 
her fists and braces lierself, then duchs her head and 
runs to ivindoiLK Just as she reaches it Eoy Conk- 
LiN" steps through, and they collide) 

Eoy. {hand to stomach, breathlessly) Great 
Scott! 

Phyllis. Good heavens! 

Eoy. You dived straight into my stomach and al- 
most butted my brains out ! 



THE ELOPEES. 7 

Phyllis. Well, what right have yon to get into 
my way when I start to jump out of the window. 
{choices) And you made me swallow my chewing- 
gum ! 

EoY. Were you really going to jump out of that 
window ? 

Phyllis. Yes. Just v/hen you jumped in. 

EoY. But, didn't you know it would kill you when 
you landed? 

Phyllis. N'o, I knew it wouldn't. I wear rubber 
heels, and I would have bounced. 

EoY. But, suppose you'd lit on your head. 

Phyllis, {indignantly) I'd never do anything 
so unladylike. I suppose you're a burglar. I wish 
you'd come to steal my step-ma ! 

EoY. Burglar? ISTo. I'm the son of poor but 
honest parents. I'm in the dickens of a scrape, 
though. I strolled into a down town saloon out of 
curiosity half an hour ago, and was just in time to 
witness a murder. 

Phyllis. Oh, my goodness — go away ! You ter- 
rify me ! 

EoY. But, I didn't murder anyone. Do I look as 
if I did? 

Phyllis. Well, yes, you do — but I'm afraid to 
tell you so for fear you'll murder me. 

EoY. I give you my word I never in all my life 
murdered any human being except a mosquito. But 
I was foolish enough to run, thinking to keep my 
name out of the papers. And the crowd pitched 
onto me as the guilty chap. I'm pursued now by 
three policemen, and half the floating population of 
[N'ew York besides. Tore my trousers on your in- 
fernal fire-escape. But, here I am— safe and sound ! 

Phyllis. Well, you can't stay here, you know. 
It isn't proper ! You're a man. I'm a woman. And 
the door's locked ! 

EoY. {surprised) Who locked it? 

Phyllis, {wearily) Step-ma. On the outside. 



8 THE ELOPEES. 

EoY. (excitedly, peering from window) And 
there's a policeman just going past. He must have 
seen me turn down tiiis street. And it is only a mat- 
ter of time when the}^ begin searching the houses ! If 
I'm caught I may be up against it proving I wasn't 
the man who sliced up the other one. You've got to 
think up some way to get me out of this. 

Phyllis. Out of the scrape, or out of the room? 
Which? 

EoY. Both. It's a serious situation. 

Phyllis. It will be if step-ma finds it out. {lis- 
tens) And she's coming now ! You always know 
the step of a step-ma. 

EoY. If I'm caught, I'll probably be put to death. 

Phyllis. If I'm caught I'll be talked to death, 
and that's worse. 

Mrs. Gerard, (outside) Phyllis! 

Phyllis. Yes, step-ma. (aside to Eoy) Don't 
try to hide. I'll keep her out, unices che slides in 
through the key-hole, (hands him piece of gum) 
Here, take a piece of chewing-gum to brace you. 

Mrs. Gerard. (outside) What's that about 
brace ? Why are you talking to yourself ? 

Phyllis. I said I'd like to embrace you, step-ma. 
(shakes fist at door) I'm blaming myself for being 
so wicked and ungrateful. I'm a naughty, naughty 
girl, not to have appreciated your kindness to me, 
and in future I'll endeavor to do just what you say. 

Mrs. Gerard. Well, since you're in such a peni- 
tent state of mind, I'll unlock the door, and 

Phyllis, {holding door shut) No, no, don't 
come in yet, dear step^ma, not quite yet. I'm not 
dressed ! 

Mrs. Gerard. Not dressed? 

Phyllis. I'm taking a bath — to — to cool my tem- 
per. 

Mrs. Gerard. But there's no water in that room. 

Phyllis. An air bath, I mean. You'll wait 'til 



THE ELOPERS. 9 

I'm dressed, won't you step-ma ? I'll put on a collar 
in a minute or two. 

Mrs. Gerard. Don't be too long. 

Phyllis. I won't, (listens, then speaks to Eoy) 
Step-ma is stepping down the steps now, and I have 
an idea for your escape. Take off your clothes. 

Eoy. [astounded at the suggestion) What? 

Phyllis. Your coat — your vest — you've got to 
disguise 3^ourself. Oh, isn't it the most fortunate 
thing in the world that the trunk belonging to our 
private dramatic club is right here in this room? 

Roy. Private theatricals, you say? I do see a 
ray of light. 

Phyllis, (kneels by trunk, takes out silk skirt, 
scarf, and elaborate long coat) I wore these myself 
only last week. I was the lovely Countess of War- 
wickshire, and — (hands over skirt) There's the 
skirt, you may have to squeeze in a little at the 
waist. I did. 

Roy. (hastily gets into skirt and struggles hard 
to make it meet at waist line) I'll never get this 
together 'til Roosevelt and Wall Street meet and 
kiss ! 

Phyllis, (discouraged) You haven't the new 
figure or you could wear it better. But these safety 
pins may help, (gets pins from suit-case and pins 
skirt to his coat) There's a long coat goes over it 
all, and a scarf, (dresses him in these articles) 

Roy. Aren't you going to do my pompadour? 

Phyllis, It's done. (snatclies up ivig from 
trunk and puts it on his head) The Countess wore 
these lovely tresses hanging down her satin back, 
but I'll put in a hair-pin. (does so) That's splen- 
did. You're a perfect fright! (takes hand-mirror 
from trunk and holds it before him) 

Roy. (as he looks in mirror) Ilully gee! But 
I'd hate to met myself on a dark night ! 

Phyllis. That sounds just like a little boy with 



10 THE ELOPEES. 

freckles I used to know at school. He always said 
" hully gee ! '^ when — 

Roy. (interrupting quickly) When the girl on 
the seat back of him tickled his neck with a feather. 
Say, let me take a look at you. (takes hold of her 
hands and looks at her closely) You were that girl! 

Phyllis. You were that boy ! 

Roy. How you've grown ! 

Phyllis. How you've improved ! The freckles 
only cover half of your face now. They used to cover 
it all! 

Roy. Why, but I was always going to luarry that 
little girl when I grew up. 

Ppiyllis. Oh, were you? Well, that little girl 
ahvays HOPED she'd marry you, until her old step- 
mother picked out some one else, and now it's ever- 
lastingly too late ! 

Mrs. Gerard, (outside) Phyllis! 

Roy. (to Phyllis) She's got a voice like a steel 
saw sizzing through a cake of ice ! 

Phyllis. Doesn't it give you the shivarees? 
(loudly) Yes, step-ma! 

Mrs. Ger^ird. Phyllis, I distinctly heard a man's 
voice in that room with you ! And what's the matter 
with this door? You haven't been bolting it on the 
inside, have you? 

Phyllis. Oh, no, step-ma, and the man in here's 
a perfect lady — Miss O'Brien. 

Roy. (half ivhisper to Phyllis) Who^s Miss 
O'Brien? Quick! 

Phyllis, (in hurried undertone) Rich old maid. 
Next block. Step-ma's 'crazy to meet her. You're 
it. Here's your hat. (snatches loud fussy hat from 
trunk and throws it to RoY who sets it on his head. 
Phyllis opens door) Come in, step-ma! 

(Enter Mrs. Gerard.) 

Mrs. Gerard, (excitedly) Why, but whatever 



THE ELOPERS. 11 

brought Miss O'Brien here, and how on earth did she 
get into this room with the door locked ? 

Phylls. {talking to gain time, laughing nerv- 
ously) A^Tiy, it's the most extraordinary thing — 
the most extraordinarily extraordinary thing — isn't 
it, Miss O'Brien? 

Roy. (high pitched, husky voice) It are. 

Mrs. Gerard. What are? 

Phyllis. Why, how she came into this room. 
She — she — fell in. Didn't 3^ou, Miss O'Brien? 

I?OY. (same style) I dude ! 

Mrs. Gerard, (very much puzzled) But what 
did she fall from? 

Phyllis. From the — the — (at a loss for ideas 
turns appealingly to Roy) Didn't 3'ou? 

Roy. Yes, that's what I fell from. 

Mrs. Gerard. From what? 

Phyllis. (smilingly triumphant) Why, from 
the air-ship ! 

Mrs. Gerard, (iritli delighted surprise) What, 
Miss O'Brien, you aviate? 

Roy. Yes, and occasionally I gravitate — that's 
why Pm here ! 

Mrs. Gerard, (wonderingly) But what did you 
light on? 

Roy. (tearfully) That's too painful to mention. 

Phyllis. To change the subject — of course I had 
to explain to Miss O'Brien, step-ma, that you'd locked 
me in because I wouldn't marry Mr. De Puyster. 

Mrs. Gerard. Oh, Miss O'Brien, I appeal to you. 
Mr. De Puyster being a member of your own social 
set — shouldn't my step-daughter be thankful on her 
knees to marry such a man ? 

Roy. (still with high-pitched voice which he uses 
throughout this scene) What Mr. De Puyster? 

Mrs. Gerard. Richard. 

Roy. Oh, Rich? 

Phyllis. Yes, he is rich and that's why she 



12 THE ELOPERS. 

insists on my marrying him. He gives her five 
thousand dollars to make the match. 

Roy. He's a lovely man ! 

Mes. Geeaed. (triumphantly to Phyllis) 
There! 

Roy. De Puyster's a pillow-faced, flat footed, 
sardine-eyed, dear old thing. Any girl ought to love 
him. If he was only about thirty years younger, I'd 
set my cap for him myself. 

Mes. Geeaed. Why, there's something peculiar 
about all this ! How strangely she acts ! 

Phyllis, (in exaggerated undertone) Step-ma, 
don't let her hear you say so ! She's a little tipsy. 
She had a champagne dinner on the air-ship — that's 
why she fell out. ( 

Mes. Geeaed. (shaking finder at Miss O'Beien" 
in playful admonition) 0-oh ! 

Roy. (imitating voice and gesture) 0-oh! 

Mrs. Geeaed. Really, dear, I don't blame you in 
the least. These things are getting so popular in the 
best society. And speaking of air-ships, sweet Miss 
O'Brien— 

Roy. (interrupts quicMy) Reminds me that I 
must be going home. 

Mes. Geeaed. Oh, no, pray don't go. Miss O'Brien. 
Won't you remain for the evening's festivities? 

Roy. What festivities? (drunhenly mispro- 
nounces " festivities.") 

Mes. Geeaed. My step-daughter's union with 
Mr. De Puyster. 

Phyllis. She calls it "festivities." I call it a 
wake ! That's what it ought to be called when you're 
marrying a dead one. 

Roy. (^0 Phyllis) Don't you want to marry 
Mr. Pillow-face? I mean — Mr. Rich De Puyster? 

Phyllis. Want to marry him ? W^asn't I going to 
jump out of the window to keep from doing it? 

Roy. Mustn't do that. Mustn't jump out of the 
window. Promise me you won't. Or I'll sit down 



THE ELOPEES. 13 

here and wait until the police and Da Purstef come ! 

Phyllis. The police? Oh, you mustn't do that! 
I promise, Miss O'Brien. 

Mrs. GEII.VED. Thank you, dear Miss O'Brien, tor 

backing me up. 

EoY. Don't let another man come near her. 
(with drunlen enthusiasm) Sweet girl , your step- 
daughter, step-ma. I took a shine to her the minute 
I came into the room. 

Phyllis. {delighted, addressing him direct) 
Did you? Did you indeed? And I took a shine to 
you, Miss O'Brien. Truly I did. {she slides toward 
him, they give each other a furtive hand squeeze, and 
then she slides away again) ^ ^ > 

EoY. If I weren't Miss O'Brien I'd cut De Puyster 
out and marrv her myself. 

Phyllis. "^Oh, would you, Miss O'Brien? 
EoY. I would, if you'd have me. {goes to Phyl- 
lis and puts his arm around her ivaist) 

Phyllis. Oh, I'd have you, I'd have you ! {steps 
away from him) I'd have anything in place of De 
Puyster— but especially you. ^ 

EoY. It's a bargain, {they rush into each others 
arms and embrace rapturously) . ^ . . j 

Mrs. Gerard. Dear me! She's so intoxicated 
she embraces you quite like a man! \Ye ought to 
'phone for a servant to take her home. But she 11 
have to be friends with me after this. So I'm a step 
higher in the social scale! 

EoY. I really must be going. Kiss me again, my 

dear child. 

Phyllis, {coquettishly) Oh, no! 

Mrs. Gerard. Go on, my dear child. We mustn t 
ofiend her. 

EoY. No, you mustn't offend me. 

Phylls. One's enough, Miss O'Brien. 

EoY. Can't have too much of a good thing. 

Mrs. Gerard. Then FU kiss you, dear Miss 
O'Brien, {starts for Eoy. Throws her arms about 



14 THE ELOPERS. 

Ms neck, hut as she starts to hiss Eoy he evades her 
and rests his chin on her shoulder instead, looking 
beyond her to Phyllis) 

Eoy. There's many a lip 'twixt the cup and the 
slip. Odd, how we missed each other, isn't it? I 
really must be going, but I'll see you again. You'll 
all see me again. You can't lose me ! (starts toward 
door L. and meets policeman coming in) 

Policeman. Any strange man been here? We're 
pursuing one for murder. 

Mrs. Gebard. {hornficd) Murder? Oh! 

Eoy. (imitating Mrs. Gerard) Murder? — 
oh! 

Policeman. You don't mind my looking on the 
floor above, do you? He may have escaped to the 
roof. 

Mrs. Gerard. No. Look all you wish, and I hope 
you'll catch the rascal. (Policeman exits l.) 

Eoy. (hysterically) — oh, I'm so frightened. 
Oh, chase the policeman out ! — oh, I'm afraid 
he'll catch the murderer. And I hate murderers. 
I've always hated them from a child. — oh ! 

Mrs. Gerard. Be quiet, dear Miss O'Brien. 
There's nothing going to hurt you ! 

(Eoy runs to sofa, buries his head in pillows and kicks 
out with one foot and then th'e other to express 
fright and agitation.) 

Eoy. Oh, send that policeman away ! (hysterical 
utterances ad lib) 

Mrs. Gerard, (who has been watching Eoy in- 
tently, suddenly extends an accusing finger) Miss 
O'Brien, you have on pants ! 

Phyllis, (agitatedly) No, he hasn't. She al- 
ways wears those in an air-ship. 

Mrs. Gerard. And boots ! 

Phyllis. Because she's a suffragette! Suffra- 



THE ELOPERS. 15 

gettes do so much kicking they HAVE to wear boots. 
Don^t you see? 

Mrs. Gerard. I don't believe it ! (grabs Eoy by 
chin and turns Ms face toward her) Look at me— - 
look at me, I say. You need a shave ! 

Eoy. I've had two close shaves already to-day. 
Here goes for another one. (pidls aivay from Mrs. 
Gerard and rushes out of door l., holding shirts high 
as he runs) 

Mrs. Gerard. He's a"wolf in sheep's clothing ! I 
mean a man in woman's clothing ! He's the mur- 
derer ! I'll call the policeman, (shouts) Police ! 
police ! 

Phyllis. Stop that, step-ma! (grabs her to 
prevent her running to the door) 

Mrs. Gerard. I won'jt stop. Police ! 

Phyllis. (struggling unth he?') But, Miss 
O'Brien is such a perfect gentleman ! I used to know 
him — her — at school ! And he — she — didn't murder 
anybody! She only went into the saloon to get a 
free lunch. The policeman made a mistake ! 

Mrs. Gerard. Let me go! 

Phyllis, (points toward Mrs. Gerard's feet as 
she moves away from her) — — Oh ! Look at 
that mouse ! 

Mrs. Gerard, (jumps high and shrieTcs) Where? 

Phyllis. It ran right under your skirts! 

Mrs. Gerard. — Oh — Eee ! (jumps on sofa, 
sJcirts clutched in hands) Take the awful little ani- 
mal away ! Drive it out ! Police ! 

Policeman, (enters excitedly) Who called me? 
Have you seen him? 

Mrs. Gerard, (standing on sofa, sJcirts about 
her) Yes, he's been here ! 

Phyllis. (breaMng in) Pan under her skirts! 

Mrs. Gerard, (shudders and draws skirts around 
her) Oh ! 

Phyllis, (explains emphatically to Policeman) 
That's why she's on the sofa. 



16 THE ELOPEES. 

Policeman. WHAT ran? 

Mrs. Gerard. The murderer ! 

Phyllis. She means the mouse, (points ex- 
citedly, with a shrieli-) He's under the sofa now! 

Mrs. Gerard. Oh ! {grabs skirts) Kill him — 
then I can talk ! 

Phyllis, (to Policeman) Mice drive her crazy! 

Mrs. Gerard, (making great effort at self pos- 
session ) The murderer was here — he ran 

Phyllis. Pan out the window and down the fire- 
escape. 

Policeman. What ? 

Mrs. GerzIrd. The mouse. 

Phyllis. No, the murderer ! 

Policeman. Why didn't you say so in the first 
place? (dives through the windoiv, and exits down 
fire-escape) 

Mrs. Gerard. No, no, come back ! 

Phyllis, (points as if frantic with fear) There 
he goes up the leg of that sofa ! 

Mrs. Gerard, (bounces off and gets to other side 
of room) Oh! Oh! Wliere? 

Phyllis, (quietly) Nowhere. I fooled you to 
give Miss O'Brien a chance to escape. 

Mrs. Gerard. You deceitful little wretch! I'll 
go down the fire-escape and tell the policeman you 
fooled him. 

Phyllis. You can't catch him now. He's half 
way up the block. 

Mrs. Gerard. Then I'll 'phone to the station, and 
give a full description of the murderer's disguise. 
You can't get the better of me ! 

Phyllis, (in deep consternation) Oh, I'd for- 
gotten the telephone ! Oh, step-ma, you mustn't use 
the ^phone. Oh, SAY you won't use it. You'll re- 
gret it all your life if you do. You want me to 
marry Mr. De Puyster, don't you ? 

Mrs. Gerard. AVhat's Mr. De Puyster got to do 
with this ? 



THE ELOPEES. 17 

Phyllis. Nothing. I mean — everything! If 
you don't call np the police — I'll not oppose that mar- 
riage ceremony any more. I'll stay right in this 
room, and take it when it comes ! 

Mrs. Gerard, (melting) Sweet child! Under 
the circumstances, then, I'll NOT call up the police. 
They'll be sure to capture him anyway. And I al- 
ways knew you'd look sensibly at the idea of marrying 
Mr. De Puyster when you had time to think it over. 
(starts to kiss Phyllis) 

Phyllis. Don't kiss me. My mouth is full of 
pins! 

(WJiistle at speahing tube in wall.) 

Mrs. Gerard, (goes to tube and listens for a mo- 
ment, then speaks in honied accents) Oh, are they? 
Well, I'll be down at once, (to Phyllis) Dear, 
isn't it lovely? The wedding guests are already be- 
ginning to arrive. And the orchestra has telephoned 
up to ask whether I prefer Waltz Me Around Again 
Willie, or The Dead March from Saul as an opening 
number. So, hurry and put on your veil, sweet child. 
We'll rush the ceremony through, and get it off our 
minds. I'll come back for you myself. (exits 
door L.) 

Phyllis, (talks to her own reflection in mirror on 
wall L. as she puts on veil) So, you poor miserable 
draggled-out jelly fish, you're going to marry Mr. 
De Puyster after all ! You can squirm and wiggle as 
much as you like they've got you speared. But, at 
least I needn't make him a good wife! (arranges 
veil and wedding wreath) I WON'T make him a 
good wife. I'll be a perfect fiend ! I never thought 
I could be a perfect fiend, but when a jelly fish has a 
broken heart, and loves a Miss O'Brien who's going 
to be hanged for murder — it develops her. Ouch, 
that pin ! 



18 THE ELOPERS. 

EoY. (cautiously enters through window hack) 
Phyllis ! 

Phyllis, {rapturously) Miss O'Brien! They 
didn't get you? 

EoY. (entering. Disguise removed) No, they 
got him — the real murderer. And now I'm free to 
do what I like. You're not going to marry that flat- 
footed shark, little girl, you're going to marry me! 
Fve got the license ! And my Uncle — the minister 
on the next block, is just waiting to tie the knot. 
Come on. 

Phyllis. Oh, how lovely ! Oh, isn't it simply 
dreadful that I can't ! 

EoY. But you can. Fll carry you down the fire- 
escape in my arms. I've got it all planned out. 

Phyllis. But, I can't, I say. 

EoY. And the more frightened you are, the closer 
you'll cling around my neck. 

Phyllis. Oh, I'd cling, all right. As a dinger I 
have few equals and no superiors. But it's a ques- 
tion of honor. I promised my step-ma on my dying 
bed, I mean on my shaking knees, that if she didn't 
set the police on your trail, I'd remain right in this 
room, until she came to take me down to marry De 
Puyster. 

EoY. (disconcerted) By Jupiter — that's a facer! 
But, there ought to be some way out of it. There is ! 

Phyllis, (eagerly) Some way out? That's too 
good to be true ! 

Roy. (rushes to table l. c, and takes up 'phone) 
Hello ! Give me 3336 Eiver. 

Phyllis. Eiver? Why, are you going to drown 
me? 

EoY. No. I'm going to put that wedding in soak. 
(over 'phone) Hello! Is that you, Uncle? Well, 
I can't bring the little girl with me. She's afraid of 
her Step-Ma! 

Phyllis. I should say I was ! I seem to hear her 
coming now ! 



THE ELOPERS. 19 

EoY. Bolt the door! (Phyllis springs to door 
and holts it) It's all right, Uncle. Both here ready 
(to Phyllis) Stand here beside me! 

Phyllis. (dumfounded) Eh — what are you 
going to do? 

Roy. Get married over the 'phone. Perfectly 
legal. Couple married like that in South Africa the 
other day. (over 'pJione) Go on, Uncle. 

Phyllis. No, wait a minute. Uncle. 

Roy. ^"0, wait a minute. Uncle, (to Phyllis) 
What's wrong? 

Phyllis. I won't be married standing up. We've 
got to kneel. 

Roy. (yells over 'phone) She's got to kneel! 

(Phyllis rushes and brings hrohen chair to table. 
Points to his chair.) 

Phyllis. You kneel too. 

Roy. (yelling tlirough 'phone) And me too ! 
(hneels on his chair) Ouch! A black and blue spot 
from that fire-escape ! 

Phyllis, (who is vainly trying to find comfort- 
able place on her chair) Oh ! This chair is broken ! 
It won't hold me! 

Roy. Never mind that! Kneel on one foot and 
stand on the other. Fire away, Uncle! (to 
Phyllis) You can hear what he says, can't you? 

Phyllis. I hear same man asking to be connected 
with the Brewery. 

Roy. (furiously, over 'phone) Get off the wire ! 

Phyllis. (yelh) We're not getting drunk. 
We're getting married ! 

Roy. (over 'phone) Well, your sympathy isn't 
required. Get off, I say. Get on. Uncle. 

Mes. Geeaed. (outside) Phyllis? 

Phyllis. There's Step-Ma! Oh, wait, Uncle! 

Roy. Why do you want to wait? So De Puyster 



20 THE ELOPERS. 

can come in and carry you off? Don't wait, Uncle! 
Get a move on yon ! Hurry up ! 

Phyllis, (shouting) In just a minute Pll be 
ready, Step-Ma ! Oh, Eoy, I forgot to ask you. Is 
my veil on straight? 

EoY. Sh ! Listen to him ! 

(Both listen intently at 'phone.) 

Phyllis. He's talking through his nose ! 

PoY. He's talking through his hat. But I don't 
care, just so it marries us. (loudly) Yes, Uncle, I 
do. Swallow it all. Haven't had time to think it 
over; maybe it's a good thing I haven't. I do, I say, 
I do. N'ow it's your turn. 

(Phyllis talces receiver. A loud l-noch at door.) 

Phyllis. I do. I do. Yes, I'll obey him if lie 
obeys me. (to Roy) He says we're to join hands. 
(they do so) 

Mrs. Gerard, (outside) Why, you've locked the 
door; and Mr De Puyster's here! 

Phyllis. Be still, Step-Ma ! He's pronouncing ! 

Mrs. Gerard. I'll break it down. 

Roy. (loudly) Breakaway! (over 'phone) ^o, 
not you. Uncle. Sh ! 

(Roy and Phyllis listen intently, then fall into each 
other's arms.) 

It's done ! You're mine, I'm yours, and Niagara 
Palls for the honeymoon ! 

Mrs. Gerard. (tlirotving herself against door, 
hreahing it open, and mshing into the room. Shriek- 
ing) Wliat does this mean? 

Phyllis. It means I've married Miss O'Brien ! 

(Music of wedding-march heard off L.) 



THE ELOPERS. 21 

Roy. Yes. We're married. Whaf are you going 
to do about it? 

{Takes Phyllis on his arm, they start to march off 
L., keeping time to the music.) 

Mrs. Gerard, (stands r. Shrieks frantically) 
Do ? rm going to call the Police ! (rushes to 'phone, 
takes up receiver, sits violently in broken chair and 
disappears through it, making frantic efforts to ex- 
tricate herself as Phyllis and Roy exit L., and cur- 
tain falls) 

CURTAIN". 



OCT 22 m^ 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




014 212 031 8 f 



